The hilarious front line in the tragic war against ridiculous female armor
Tag: high heels
‘Brown Dust’s (now renamed to Brave Nine) Kiria. Hope you didn’t think the other bingos we did for this game were the worst they got!
Based on her description blurb, I think she is an ex-patrol guard in an empire, turned…. assassin? Which her design definitely communicates. Um. She’s the “black scorpion” which is on her scarf. And her entire ass being out I guess communicates her… desire for justice being loud and clear. Or something. I’m also not super sure how her ass is turned 90 without the rest of her leg rotating also… We’ll chalk it up to ninja powers.
And this is the less ridiculous (though not by much) version of her. Behold, the “improved” version!
The only thing that got an upgrade is that scorpion hood, and it doesn’t even look that good.
To be completely honest, Summoners War probably has way worse cases of terrible female armor if you go through their monster collection, but what’s worse about this one is that she is the reward for getting through the second scenario area of the game, which means EVERYONE has her, so you have to see this monstrosity all the time.
I always feel so weird about the clash of chibi AND “sexy” aesthetic. Trying to have a cake and eat it too. There’s really not much to add about the costume itself, other than this being too painfully generic to even register. BUT it did strike a rare diagonal bingo, so congrats to Summoners War, I guess? I am sorry for all the players who are subjected to multiple copies of this running around inside the game.
Thank you for the submission!
Odin’s Boob Sphere Redraws: Gwendolyn
I went into redesigning this with no idea who that character is supposed to be, and frankly, looking her up now, can’t say I’ve missed much back then.
Can you believe she’s supposed to be a Valkyrie? Judging by her (and her sister’s, Griselda’s) design, Gwendolyn looks more like a really weird mashup of Odette/Odile from Swan Lake and lingerie model with random armor bits on legs… plus the ass wings. Call me weird, but I never got the idea of putting wings on humanoid characters’ butts/hips/lower back instead of shoulders. It’s not like regular laws of physics apply either way, but this seems like a much less uncomfortable way to fly than with the upper back.
Of course, first thing I did was move the wings to more conventional position, then copypasting her a brand new left arm, it fitted surpirisingly well.
I kept the changes to the outfit to a minimum, giving her tights and expanding her frilly top, so that it doesn’t slip off her chest (both in matching yellow/gold). Also got her some pauldrons (edited from the armor on her thighs) and recreated from scratch a bit of her dress that was hidden behind the ass wing (quite happy with how I painted it). Another minor detail was changing her left shoe’s shape into something that doesn’t require foot liquification.
Much less radical redraw than Icy’s excellent Velvet (who’s apparently Gwen’s half-sister), but I hope you guys like it!
Could you guys cover something about Angela in the new Trials of Mana game? Ive been playing it but its honestly difficult just because every time I look at her outfits it makes less sense! Although I dont think Riesz is any better…
A spell-caster lady in a video game who dresses for the beach? It’s more likely than you think! This is from the recent remake, where you would think the developers would want to modernize their designs.
You would think.
The red is her original outfit (pictured above the bingo), which is apparently the outfit a magician from a cold country wears (even though it’s in magical spring, but it’s still described as cold). The blue are added in from her worst class option… the magus.
Why have nice things when you can cry over the sympathy pains of imagining scale mail on your crotch?
The modular design of Iron Man’s armor lent itself really great to a sexy redesign. Tons of clean lines to replace metal plates with some hot, hot bare skin and also anatomy-inspired detailing that served as a reference to painting his musculature.
I also decided while getting rid of the whole helmet might be against keeping Tony’s hero persona iconic, I did leave out the lower part, giving it the jawline from the figure’s creepily realistic replacable Robert Downey Jr. head.
The only actual changes to metal pieces on his costume I did were:
moving those glowy things under his pecs to right over his nipples – glowy nipple armor for the win!
changing the shape of his shoes to super pointy heels (also very smol size, because if female designs aren’t allowed to have feet proportional to their bodies, why should male?)
giving him an oversized codpiece, so that we know he’s very confident in his masculinity 🙃
While I went lazy on the rendering of repainted parts, I’m still quite happy with the results. Hope you guys agree.
Here’s a good example of how “fully armored” doesn’t mean a thing if said armor is still sexualized: this is Shard, Sideshow Collectible’s original character from their ongoing series “Court of the Dead”. The series already has plenty of questionable designs, but Shard here really stands out due to her backstory: she’s a mortal knight Templar that somehow wound up in the Underworld, whose inhabitants then made her armor for her. Highlights include the absolutely bizarre crotch plate (hard to tell if it’s a thong as the cape blocks the back view,) the insignia on her chest that just winds up looking like a literal “stab here” sign, and interesting footwear. It’s a shame, too, because her backstory sounds really interesting and the Court of the Dead series has some prettybeautifuldolls, but also has a metal bony groping hands bra because reasons.
Oh goodie, Sideshow Toysfigures, we meet again! 🙄 And this time you guys don’t even have the excuse of adapting someone else’s sexist design – it’s your own all original creation!
Obviously the bingo score isn’t very high, and I stretched definition of “male equivalent” to “all male-presenting characters in the series”. However, while not bikini-shaped or skimpy, impossibly skin-tight armor is still a staple of BABD content. The fact that metal gives no additional girth to any part of her body made me confident in marking off the “No padding, just bare skin.” square, despite no bare skin at display. And no, the “fine bone filaments of this protective encasement were woven around her form by the osteomancers and artisans of the dead”Thermian argument doesn’t excuse the sexualized design one bit.
This is so much more interesting in every way: costume, posing, expression, even painting detail. Textbook positive example. What a downgrade!
Thank you for the submission, @the-midnight-doe! Hope you don’t mind me bolding part I found most telling about Shard’s problem.
Considering how other female Court of the Dead characters look, we’re likely to revisit the property, with bingos and/or redesigns, later.
Wrestling with TERA’s anti-fashion Part 2
So I decided to challenge myself yet again by picking this number. Back in an older post on TERA, I talked about how some of the armor designs are good designs for runway fashion, and I think the high elves, which is what this lady is, embody that most of all. I think each race has their, like… fashion niche? Like the demons are all Victoria’s Secret angels, ironically. And we don’t talk about the children with animal ears.
(And because I needed to fill in all those little details, I didn’t have time to do the back of her :(. )
I started with the face as usual, because I honestly hate the original in this regard… Like, what is with this Stock 3D Model face?? I tried to make it less human-looking since, you know… she’s not a human. (I kind of ripped off Dragon Age 2 in this regard, I guess.)
And then I changed…. everything else, as usual. Poofy pants, a whole 3 layers of shirts, and shoes you can actually walk in, we’ve got the whole package. I tried to make the shirt patterns work together, but I think I was a little overzealous… I also ran out of ideas. Oh well.
Hopefully my redesign still looks more like actual cloth armor than that big empty void of skin.
Not my most inspired of redesigns, though I concluded that it’s a win as long as I make it wearable. Maybe with more time to think it through I’d give her a different colored second pant leg, but she had to do with just symmetrical jeans this time.
As usual, one of the most important things to do was getting rid of this absurd cleavage that clings to her boobs. I shamelessly copypasted her metal (?) back piece and adjusted it slightly to now be a matching front collar. then just painted over the excessive fleshy parts. Copypasting pant leg also required adjusting the hem of her top, so I gave it a slightly different shape, with white trim to make it stand out better. Also, spikes on her gloves aren’t as ridiculously spiky anymore.
The part I’m actually pretty satisfied with are the shoes, which I managed to turn into a lot flatter heels, without making the design completely unfamiliar. Also got rid of completely pointless (ha!) spikes at the sides. Now that’s wearable and can fit a human foot inside without liquefying it.
I admit, overall that’s far from my best, but with TERA you can’t go any more wrong than the original.
BeWitchered by the abs, Part 1
A day late, but hope you guys don’t mind!
After quite a few requests and significant consideration of our own, we set off to sexify The Witcher male characters, starting with the eponymous hero himself.
To fix that awful practicality of him looking like a warrior while warrioring and sex icon while sexing, I merged his official model sheet/cosplay reference with objectively one of the best Witcher game screenshots (barring ones from actual sex scenes):
Did my best to match up proportions of two Geralts, but the end result came up a bit too top-heavy. I guess he’s more pecs, abs and biceps than legs guy now.
Speaking of legs, it’s the one area in which I employed my own creativity instead of photo-manipulation. His codpiece is more prominent (though, once again, not exaggerated – Geralt has many issues, but definitely isn’t a type insecure in his own junk’s size) and I modified the seam stripe design to now expose some of his delicious thigh flesh.
Ever wondered if that game could do female robot design any worse? THEN YOU’RE IN LUCK! The bingo today is T-elos, who seems to be some sort of darker (and even more underbooby) counterpart/nemesis to her. When I found pics of T-elos Figma action figure (so we’re provided with 3D view from all angles), I couldn’t not put it on the to-bingo list.