The hilarious front line in the tragic war against ridiculous female armor
Tag: skin tight metal
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Saint Seiya Online makes a comeback to the bingo, again with lots of stabby bits, gendered posing and shameless double standard in design, yay!
~Ozzie
I love how the little lotus posed armor totally just sits there pretending like the woman armor is even close to resembling it. It really shows that they either didn’t realize or didn’t care about anything more than showing some skin. SMH.
The three lucky ladies are Jaina, Zagara and Sonya (from left to right):
(Though, don’t be fooled by that awesome concept art of Sonya, her in-game model is of smaller frame and has no defined muscles.)
So let’s take these in order, shall we?
Jaina is an ice wizard (basically) whose regular outfit just looks really stupid, besides not making any sense. Her demon skin replaces her 70s pants with booty shorts, and while she does gain “armor,” it’s in the laziest possible way. [x]
Her design brings to mind the Draenor, rather than demons. It’s so generic, I don’t even have anything to say… And what’s with the colors?
As for Zagara, you may notice that she is not even a person. She’s the “Broodmother of the Swarm,” an “ant queen” type of creature; she doesn’t even have a face, despite that strange exoskeleton boobplate. The maw in the front of her bug abdomen spews various things in combat. So of course her demon skin makes her Hot Bug Lady. [x]
I mean, we know she has weird bug arms and huge bubbling pustules on her insect-like abdomen, but look at those titties! This is the second Zagara skin that gives her a sexy face, but why include her in this particular promotion at all, for the release of a lich character from WoW? Do they think their zerg-birthing monster needs more sexy lady skins to even out the fact that she’s a bug? ಠ_ಠ
Finally, we have Sonya, the lady barbarian from Diablo III. Her demon skin still reveals about as much as her regular, although for some reason she has platform shoes now? This is called the Death Knight. Much spooky. [x]
Also, the design screams “we didn’t know how to make her demonic.” There is a skull on every piece of armor she’s wearing, and her weapons! This is even more baffling when you realize that this skin came out concurrently with the Deathbringer skin:
It’s the exact same skin (save for the weapons), except no spooky scary helmet, and actual padding under her armor… so why?? Why did they take the padding away from the Death Knight skin? I thought they were just doing the typical fantasy barbarian thing, where they sort of wear kind-of clothes, but apparently not!
Ah, one of our favoriterepeat offenders… Seriously, though, what am I even looking at?? Is this a Red Bull ad?
So I looked up this character and the wiki page had this to say:
Only the most elite knights of the continent of Hiquba are permitted to join the Starka Temple Knights. It is considered the highest honor to join their ranks… At the grand induction ceremony in their hallowed temple, their captain Fortunata looks on forlornly. Her heart grieves at the thought of how few will live to see the end of the next war.
I have a few questions: If these soldiers are the most elite, why will so many of them die? How do they replenish their ranks? Why does the captain worry about her fully-armored soldiers dying, and not herself, who appears to be wearing a Victora’s Secret armor lingerie? Did her left foot step into a wormhole, and is that why it’s disappeared? …What’s with the cherubs…??
Her evolved armor looks a lot better, though she still forgot her pants at home, and I don’t even want to theorize on what’s happening with her breasts…
But with the improved armor comes a worse lore entry:
Fortunata leads her fresh recruits to subjugate the ogre demonic brutes that have crossed into their borders. The unfortunate young soldiers, lacking in the strict training characteristics of the Starka Temple Knights, serve as little more than human shields. Despite this handicap, Fortunata exhibits superb technique and strength, slaying the horde with ease. She is more than willing to prove how she earned her lofty position.
What???? This lady is awful at her job, how has she not been fired? Or jailed?? She’s just leading fresh recruits to die to demons when she supposedly has an army of professionals! Is this an insurance scam? Why is she leading recruits when she’s supposed to be commanding the elites? No wonder that cherub is glaring at her!
I guess, in a way, superheroine costumes are kinda like pokemon who evolve only via trade (except pokemon are always awesome). They need a change of medium to be even a little bit less awful.
So, the new Fire Emblem on 3DS got announced… Immediately, a certain female character gathered quite a number of followers. How is she dressed you wonder?
I don’t even know what is going on in the lower bottom. Is that a flag?
Nintendo released a video showing its New Fire Emblem game and it looks really cool, but some of the armor is… questionable. Miss Purple Hair has some nice arm and waist armor, but they went the lingere route with the rest. Battle panties and a massive boob window don’t seem like a good choice for a war. The blond guy seems to be wearing very similar armor, but he gets to keep his pants on. Fire Emblem has some really good examples of female armor, but then there are really bad ones like this. I never know what to expect.
At this point it’s just boring how “unique” her design is. A dress with crotch cut-out to see her panties nice and clear, the bubble breasts that have a weird belt jammed between them…
Surely this can’t be simple pandering, clearly there’s just some sort of complex message her that I can’t see because I’m not in the Fire Emblem fandom. Let’s see what the fandom thinks of Camilla…
Oh…
-wincenworks
You might be thinking that making a throwback about Camilla from Fire Emblem Warriors is lazy and boring, but we’re only putting in as much work as the marketing team. [x]
(Casual reminder that our original post went up in 2015.)
As long as they keep reusing 2-year-old marketing assets, we will continue criticizing them. Especially since it looks like that boob seatbelt has somehow gotten even worse; now it’s flat-out clipping into her flesh! That is clearly against the Breast Safety Council guidelines!
So no, Nintendo Life, I do not want to “feast my eyes” upon your trailer. I’m more likely to feast upon my eyes… yikes.
This thing really aimed for the stars with all the shamelessly applied bikini armor tropes. I don’t think we got so much of the bingo card cleared in a while!
Also “nice” bonus of how even when a guy on the model sheets get a pose with more personality, like this one, the lady’s pose still is some variation of “Come play, my lord!”.
I was watching the Dark Elves trailer for Warhammer Total War 2. I heard a fantastic feminine narration over the the dark elf on the right kicking ass. Then it zooms out and shows that the feminine voice was actually the dark elf on the left.
No bingo, but damn is it ever terrible! I can just think of the many excuses people would have for this as well. “It’s just like the tabletop game!” or “Dark Elves are Sadomasochists!”
Apparently only the female dark elves enjoy receiving and inflicting pain so much that they wear as little as possible? Yet another case where it would be more practical for a spellcaster to be naked.
https://youtu.be/zB6FaGBz0Lo Here’s the video link for the full trailer. It looked so amazing until the Sorceress came and spoiled it all!
It actually does get a bingo when treated with the most recent version of the game card! Let the dancing Vegeta commence!
Seeing this game’s penchant for big, silly headwear I wouldn’t be surprised if the defense for her armor was that the costume direction is “supposed” to be ridiculous… Amazing though how it always turns out to be the skimpy kind of ridiculous only for women.
~Ozzie
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“Hey, this combination of light armor pieces looks really nice on my elementalist! Let’s see how those exact same armor skins look on my mholy fuck why.”
(I love Guild Wars 2 with all my heart, it’s such a beautiful and fun game with many many good styles and pieces and colors to choose from and to mix-and-match freely, but this. this really bugs me.)
What I notice about Guild Wars2 fandom is that they tend to express their adoration for the game, while being completely aware of godawful double standard “armors” that can be found there (the game does have better examples for comparison).
Fans of a certain type, like the ones religiously devoted to whatever Blizzard or Warhammer40k spews out, could learn a thing or two from GW2 players about proper critical attitude towards the thing they like.
