Fantasy Female Armor


You know what irks me?



Female armor.

You know why it irks me? Because that shit ain’t practical, and hell, it doesn’t look comfortable either. Sure, it looks nice, gives the bad guys something to look at, but will it work in a fight? Will it protect the user against swords or arrows or whatever else is being thrown their way? They better goddamn hope those chain mail bikinis are enchanted with a force field, cause that’s not going to save anyone from any lethal hit.

They’re a badass and have the skills to not get hit? I call bullshit. Even the most seasoned warrior (minus the Greeks) knows better than to give an opponent any possible opening. Armor is there for a reason, and that’s to cover for you when and if you make a mistake or there’s something you cannot deflect.

Not to mention, I think having cold hunks of steel rubbing against my girl parts would be the most uncomfortable and unbearable thing ever. I hate underwire bras enough, but a bra made entirely out of steel wire? Haha, no, There is no way that would work, even for aesthetic purposes. Not to mention the chaffing in the nether regions, good god. Metal chaffs. Knights wore clothing underneath their armor and chain mail for a reason.

Oh, and just because it covers doesn’t mean it’s practical, while we’re at it.


This breastplate is a bit of an improvement, but still has major flaws. The way that it curves around each breast would direct blows inwards, closer to the heart. Armor can be pierced, and after enough hits, guess where this breastplate is most likely to be pierced? That’s right, the cleavage. That’s why armor tends to be very rounded, so blows are deflected away from vital organs and such. Makes sense? I think so, too.

What is good female armor? Any armor that men would wear, basically. Like I said, there tends to be a lot of room in the front for the girls, so there should be no problem fitting them in. Here’s some examples of good (or better) armor:



Oh, and this little jewel~


So yes, you can be a badass, feminine heroine- with the proper, practical protection on. No excuses.

A new rule of thumb:

If you wouldn’t look impressive holding a bunny, you’re not going to look impressive holding a weapon.

– wincenworks

Maybe I’m weird, but I always worry about bikini armor girls dealing with menstrual stuff. I know I wouldn’t want to run around in a metal g-string at that time of the month…

Nah, it’s totally not weird to be worried about a legit anatomical problem.

As we learned from The Chainmal Chick, actual panties made from chainmail are out of the question, considering how absolutely uncomfortable (chafy and pinchy!) they would be… It’s safe to assume similarly with any other kind of underwear made of metal or other material not suitable for it… especially if it’s a g-sting/thong.

But then again, we can probably safely assume that any work of fiction conveniently omits certain bodily functions as “too gross” to ever address on-screen/page…

That said, it would definitely be entertaining to see, for example, a video game that decided to acknowledge most of their thong-clad heroines have functioning uteri and thus make them wear something comfortable and conservative regularly for like 1/6 of the gameplay!

You want gritty realism, AAA gamers? Then there aren’t many grittier things about everyday real life than periods! >-D


edit: Slight rewording of the initial sentence to make it more inclusive.

My boyfriend called me while I was at work to tell me about it. He sent me an email with pictures of this new “soldier” and I had to show the women I work with (also Marines, current or former). We couldn’t believe it wasn’t some sort of joke. One of my coworkers even said, “Oh, yeah; she’ll definitely last in combat so long as she isn’t worried about a tit popping out.

Women in the military interviewed about the portrayal of women in games. Specifically for the quote, Metal Gear Solid: The Phantom Pain. Recommending reading the whole thing, as there’s some great stuff in there. (via kierongillen)

For those of you who live under a rock, the female soldier character in question is Quiet from new MGS game.


Hope it’s self-explanatory why actual women in military aren’t amused by her costume design.


A reminder that early in the Metal Gear franchise, female soldiers looked like this:


– wincenworks

That post about “attractive armor without bikini” actually left me wondering: why would you actually want an attractive armor? Sure, everyone loves an aesthethically pleasing armor, but we can’t just forget that armor is mostly made to be, well, intimidating. It’s supposed to make people both safer in combat and also more powerful. Not having to battle – because you look so threatening or even downright unbeatable – is some 40% of the purpose of an armor piece. Why does it need to be attractive?

Regarding: this post

That’s actually a very good question! In short, the answer is (and better get your body ready for that)…


Believe it or not, some of the Female Armor Rhetoric Bingo arguments hold up under specific circumstances.

But let’s set some things straight first: armor is done primarily to be protective.
It sure helps if the design makes the wearer intimidating enough to make the opponents surrender right away, but at its core it was invented as a physical barrier between a person and whatever or whoever threatens their life or health.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t a place for decorative armor in the history. Highly ornamented muscle cuirass (male equivalent of boobplate) was designed to impress and worn by high-standing officers during non-battle special occasions, like parades. 

That said, in the world of fiction the distinction between purely functional and decorative armor is not necessary. It’s not real, and unless the setting of choice is gritty life-like naturalism, the armor (and any other design) needs just to be believable, not realistic. We commented on it before.

This is where those two bingo squares come in. Fictional worlds, especially the more fantastic ones, can be stylized, sometimes even to ridiculous degree, as long as all of the world is consistent with its level of stylization.
That’s why it’s not inherently bad to have people fight monsters in G-strings… It just needs to all make sense within its own narrative and preferably not be gendered (which basically never happens).

Hope that answers it.





“um starfire’s powers are fueled by the sun that’s why she has to wear skimpy clothes” hey u know who else’s powers are fueled by the sun? superman. come on clark time for that toothfloss speedo chop chop

his nipples are covered by tiny capes


truth, justice, and the american way

Big thanks to kinsara for suggesting this reblog!