Female Armor BINGO ver. 1.1 (downloadable PDF) by OzzieScribbler (yours truly)
Edit 2 March 2015: Update to ver 1.2!
Edit 1 March 2015: Bingo got an update! Now the main file is version 1.1!
Version 1.0 is still available here in deviantArt scraps.
As a special present for Bikini Armor Battle Damage first anniversary, I present to you: Female Armor BINGO!
Feel free to use as a reference to quantify how ridiculous any female armor is.
Merchandise available here.
Rules and terms of use and info on licensing HERE. Here’s an excerpt from the rules:
These cards are intended only for personal use. If you wish to use them commercially or incorporate them or a derivative product into a commercial product – please contact Ozzie Scribbler on Tumblr or DeviantArt.
You’re free to use the Female Armor Bingo and the Rhertoric Edition card to critique, snark, assess or judge any commercial creative works intended for mainstream consumption. However, please assure you do not alter them in any way that obscures or removes credit from the original creators.If you share your marked up bingo cards on Tumblr we encourage you to tag them with “female armor bingo” so that we can find them.
Blank Female Armor Bingo cards are NOT public domain or have Creative Commons license.
Do not distribute blank bingo cards by starting a new post, emailing them out, rehosting them or otherwise setting them up in a location away from Bikini Armor Battle Damage. If you wish to share them with other people please use thumbnails and links to the cards at either Bikini Armor Battle Damage onTumblr (Rhetoric Edition) or Ozzie Scribbler (Rhetoric Edition) on DeviantArt.
Breakdown of all the squares under the cut.
For the record: the game refers to the context of wearing skimpy “armors” for battle (any other context, like casual wear or cosplay, is excluded)
- Bikini/lingerie shaped
Let’s just say that an outfit designed like this doesn’t deserve to be called “an armor”.
- Random patches of skin uncovered
Really disturbing when otherwise full-cover armor has random holes through which we can see (and easily damage) boobs, stomach or thighs.
- Thong
It would be stupid enough to use a thong as underwear while going into battle, an armor with thong-shaped bottom half is just absurd.
First of all, metal wedgie, OUCH. Second, your bare ass is possibly the best target ever.
- No head protection
Characters of all genders are sometimes denied head protection for purposes of being recognizable or being able to express themselves. However female warriors are often made to go without simply to showcase to the audience that they have feminine features and hair, as well as not to look too threatening.
- Looks nothing like the male equivalent
If they’re supposed to be the same item, they need to have something in common. Doesn’t mean that they can’t be gendered in reasonable ways.
- Sharp ornamental edges that can pierce skin
Granted, male armor tends to have ridiculous amounts of spikes too, but it appears that only women wear those directly on their skin, even though it’s potentially self-harming.
- Cleavage
Because boobs aren’t there unless you can clearly see the cleavage. Who cares if it invites enemy to aim at your heart?
- No breast support
Once there’s a bra/corset shaped part in the armor, it should at the very least function like an actual bra. Yet it barely ever does.
Boobs just float in the air and once jiggled they go back to one place all by themselves. Outfit is there just to cover the nipples.
- High heels
Repat after me: “No one in their right mind wears high heels for battle. No one in their right mind wears high heels for battle. No one in their right mind wears high heels for battle. High heels are too fucking uncomfortable and unstable to fight in them!”
- Chafing nightmare
A composition of armor that would cause unhealthy friction on the wearer whether it be chainmail molded to the buttocks, moving metal plates (or their straps) resting directly on exposed skin or skin tight “hardened” leather.
- Boob window
When a cleavage goes one step further and takes the shape of unnecessary hole over the boob area.
- Skin-tight armor
The outfit, being an armor, is supposedly made from solid metal, mail, leather or some other sturdy material, but latches onto the wearer’s skin like a latex suit, or better yet: bodypaint. Bonus points to chafing if it’s chainmail.
- Boobplate
Breastplate doesn’t need to be “fitted for female form” with twin bulges to put your boobs in. They actually weaken the armor in significant way. There are quite a few excellent articles on that matter.
- Thigh-high boots
Peculiarly female-exclusive part of costume design (men in the same costume tend to get knee-high footwear). Boots so tall don’t seem particularly comfortable, and definitely not easy to put on. And if they’re made of metal or hard leather, as armor should be… good luck with moving in those.
- Nipple additions
Somehow involving nipple pieces in a female armor is crucial… For some reason. Bonus points if that’s the only covered part of the chest (below).
- Bared back
Marginally less prevalent than Bared belly (below), but still very popular way of turning warrior lady into an easy target practice.
- No pants
Because nothing says “this character is definitely not male” than taking pants from them… and leaving them just in a g-string or a loincloth at best.
- Bared belly
Goes naturally with bikini-shape, but many other designs feature inexplicably uncovered midriff as well.
Why should we protect this part, anyway? It’s not like there are squishy vital organs inside or something, right?
- How does it attach?!
(formerly Cameltoe)
Somehow the pieces of armor do not connect to the body or to each other in a way that physics would allow. They just randomly float in the air or look super-glued to the wearer’s skin.
- No padding, just bare skin
(formerly Metal worn directly on bare skin and No underwear)
All kinds of armor need a lot of padding!
Even if a well-crafted chainmail doesn’t chafe, even if breastplate is comfortable, they will be of no use in fight unless something is worn unbeneath!
Armor itself protects from slashing damage and redirects blows, while the padding absorbs the impact which would otherwise cause serious bruising or even internal bleeding.
- Almost naked for an adventure in cold climate
So not only is she fighting dragons in a bikini made of metal (or in this case, maybe fur), she does it in the middle of ice-cold tundra!
Her people are immune to frostbites, you say? Funny the same-race guy somehow has a fur jacket, then. Seems legit.
- More material used on limbs than to cover vital organs
In the reality of life-or-death situations limbs are expendable. Deal with it.
You can live without an arm or leg (given, the wounds are taken care of quickly and properly) as long as your head and torso are intact. But apparently arms and legs aren’t as “sexy” as boobs and belly, so they get to be thoroughly covered more often by female armor.
- Underboob/Sideboob
Related to the Looks like a bra, gives no breast support above.
Sometimes known as ‘reverse cleavage’, it’s when boobs defy their own anatomy and the laws of gravity and stay perky at all times, even though there’s no support for their lower part and they should dangle freely.
- More advanced the armor = skimpier
Oh Skimpy High Level, the bane of many roleplaying systems. Where’s ANY logic in that? Nothing about this implies that high level armor is more protective. It breaks willing suspension of disbelief even if we accepted the existence of armor bikinis.
Special thanks to everyone who agreed to consult me in creating this game! Ami from eschergirls, Tica from repair-her-armor, Ryan ‘Jabberwock’ C., Jenny Islander and many of my friends who want to remain unnamed. Your revisions were a big help!