The hilarious front line in the tragic war against ridiculous female armor
Tag: Marvel Valkyrie
Gotta Fix Everyone’s Weird Boob “Armor”
I was frustrated with how Marvel’s Valkyrie was just a sequence of weird design decisions. This particular version ticked me off because they had the cool cuirass with the abs, but then the chafing and the metal boob cones…. ugh.
I started with fixing that chest armor: getting rid of the weird metal bra and adding cool (to me, anyway) shoulder guards. I wanted to give her a more powerful look. I added some small dangling leather straps to mirror those on her belt.
When it was time to fix her…. boots? I took the liberty of, at the same time, painting over poor Hel’s painful-looking <biggest air-quotes ever> “armor.” I actually started giving her a more reasonable breastplate but gave up. That would be a project all on its own.
Those leg ropes seemed very stupid to me, and they didn’t go with the rest of the design, so I gave her plate armor that kept the small shapes. I then gave her simple pants to be the large shape in the design. In hindsight, I feel like I should have gone through with the metal gauntlets I wanted to give her but bailed on.
Finally, I replaced her Generic Pout™ with a more determined expression. Now both ladies can go forth and fight whoever it is they’re fighting.
Art by Andy Park (top), and Ryan Meinerding (bottom)
These are just 2 of the various Valkyrie concept designs that were drawn up for the movie Thor: Ragnarok, and instead they went with a very bland, ugly, and boobtastic design. Even if the producers were worried that the color palette was too close to Hela’s, you can still take the armor itself and adjust the colors a bit. Just… what a shame we didn’t get to see this Valkyrie on the big screen. Hopefully, future movies will give her the kickass design she deserves.
There’s been some excitement over Valkyrie’s full armor for Thor Ragnarok… but frankly I’m disappointed for the most part.
Even Tessa’s Thompson’s badass attitude can’t fix the weirdness of this design. Top plate even has a literal hole between the breasts. It shows the layer of armor beneath instead of bare skin, but it’s still a weakening and blow-directing point on the chest. And even though relatively flat, the breastplate overall brings plenty of attention to the boobs with the shapes and colors (could it be any less subtle than painting the titties gold?).