Time to come back to Sideshow Toys and probably their best example yet of how much amazing craftsmanship (that sculpt! the intricate paint job! the fabric and synthetic leather details!) can be wasted on super garbage design.
This time, a classic garbage that is Red Sonja in her standard scalemail bikini.
How do the mail bra and loincloth even hold up with such flimsy straps?
What is the point of protecting your neck with metal collar when your heart, guts and skull are all totally exposed?
Why worry about reasonably padding your leg and arm protection, but wear a scalemail bra (that will sand your nipples off) directly on your skin?
“Looks nothing like male equivalent” checked, of course, because of Conan.
Not crossing out “High heels” square, since that (cw: gore) is a reasonable heel size for a horse riding and wouldn’t be out of ordinary for a male character either.
Also note how all those arrows that apparently completely missed Sonja, presumably due to her “costume” being more of a plot armor than anything else.
Reminds me of those couple “bikini armor makes you completely resistant to arrows” parodies we featured before:
Full comics to be viewed here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
~Ozzie
fatherronaldknox submitted:
Statue by Sideshow Toys of Heavy Metal Taarna? I don’t know what she is but this is horrifying.
Oh, Sideshow Toys and your intricately sculpted and painted figures of creepily sexualized women, we meet again…
Taarna is perhaps the most iconic character from the
boobalistic
cult classic 1981 Heavy Metal animated anthology.
She’s arguably known best not for being a fierce warrior, but for having the most voyeuristic “gearing up” scene ever, complete with “romantic” music playing as she slowly and sensually dresses up from complete nudity to half nudity.
[imagine a GIF in here, but it would be too NSFW to actually put one]
Even her ComicVine description agrees what’s the character’s most prominent feature:
A strong, beautiful warrior maiden who resolves to avenge a city destroyed by a horde of mutated barbarians.
Ew.
Surprisingly enough, in her final battle she does get seriously injured, so it’s safe to assume her bikini isn’t supposed to be actually protective.
She’s just badass enough to fight while slashed across her exposed flesh. What benefit could she possibly get from wearing actual armor in the first place? NOT duelling a mutant warlord while bleeding to death, huh? Who’d want to see that? </sarcasm>
~Ozzie
According to the statue description, this seems to be a post-Loc-Nar design, as it “includes mechanical elements and earthen details inspired by Taarna’s part in destroying the evil Loc-Nar.” So even after that fight where she dies, nobody batted an eye at giving her the exact same… “outfit.”
Not to mention, those cuts look like something my cat might give me by accident. She has to be a beautiful warrior maiden, after all, and actual injuries are gross.
My favorite part of the description is this, however:
Although she is a silent hero, Taarna’s expression speaks volumes. Her carefully sculpted portrait bears a look of grim determination, complete with the Taarakian mark tattooed on her neck. Her windswept, silvery hair frames her face as she looks towards her next foe with silent fury.
Ah, yes, her expression.
The expression that exists entirely in her eyebrows so that her face can stay unblemished. I guess I should be thankful that her face actually looks like it belongs to an adult.
-Icy
Fierce by Miguel Coimbra
Dunno about you guys, but I’d say that being an indisputable victor on the battlefield is what makes this knight inherently sexy.
Who knew this could be achieved without a cleavage-armor?
~Ozzie
