The hilarious front line in the tragic war against ridiculous female armor
Tag: boobplate
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So, if you’ve ever doubted the influence of Creepy Marketing Guy, remember that generally family-friendly Nintendo has apparently decided that the best way to market Fire Emblem Heroes is to pitch it like… basically every other mobile fantasygame.
This is a real shame since Lucinda looks pretty good:
But apparently not in line with their goal of marketing it as “Mini-dresses, boobplate and garter-belts, the game”.
– wincenworks
(Many thanks to those who messaged in to let me know I’d initially mispelled Lucina’s name)
I guess, in a way, superheroine costumes are kinda like pokemon who evolve only via trade (except pokemon are always awesome). They need a change of medium to be even a little bit less awful.
So, the new Fire Emblem on 3DS got announced… Immediately, a certain female character gathered quite a number of followers. How is she dressed you wonder?
I don’t even know what is going on in the lower bottom. Is that a flag?
Nintendo released a video showing its New Fire Emblem game and it looks really cool, but some of the armor is… questionable. Miss Purple Hair has some nice arm and waist armor, but they went the lingere route with the rest. Battle panties and a massive boob window don’t seem like a good choice for a war. The blond guy seems to be wearing very similar armor, but he gets to keep his pants on. Fire Emblem has some really good examples of female armor, but then there are really bad ones like this. I never know what to expect.
At this point it’s just boring how “unique” her design is. A dress with crotch cut-out to see her panties nice and clear, the bubble breasts that have a weird belt jammed between them…
Surely this can’t be simple pandering, clearly there’s just some sort of complex message her that I can’t see because I’m not in the Fire Emblem fandom. Let’s see what the fandom thinks of Camilla…
Oh…
-wincenworks
You might be thinking that making a throwback about Camilla from Fire Emblem Warriors is lazy and boring, but we’re only putting in as much work as the marketing team. [x]
(Casual reminder that our original post went up in 2015.)
As long as they keep reusing 2-year-old marketing assets, we will continue criticizing them. Especially since it looks like that boob seatbelt has somehow gotten even worse; now it’s flat-out clipping into her flesh! That is clearly against the Breast Safety Council guidelines!
So no, Nintendo Life, I do not want to “feast my eyes” upon your trailer. I’m more likely to feast upon my eyes… yikes.
This thing really aimed for the stars with all the shamelessly applied bikini armor tropes. I don’t think we got so much of the bingo card cleared in a while!
Also “nice” bonus of how even when a guy on the model sheets get a pose with more personality, like this one, the lady’s pose still is some variation of “Come play, my lord!”.
~Ozzie
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Generally we try to avoid negatively highlighting indie games for a variety of factors.
They’re often being made as a singular creative vision rather than for-profit focus of making a marketable product
Since they’re not working for profit and raising capital, indies often can’t afford to make their own assets and just have to use whatever’s available
They’re often made by people still working out how they want to make games, and so commit all kinds of beginner mistakes
With the exception of a few games that get wide spread attention due to hilarious juxtaposition between what they promise and what look to they deliver (eg Haydee and Axe Princess) we tend to leave them alone.
So why am I bingo’ing The King’s Heroes? Because, well while Aldorlea Games claims indie status, it’s a bit confusing if you look at their Steam listing sorted by date (showing the oldest here)
They’re less of an Indie studio and more of a shovelware factory, and while this game does pretend (kind of) to have some male empowerment it also makes the ratio pretty obvious:
– wincenworks
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So, as well as adding a sexy spider, Shadow of War also introduces us to
Eltariel, aka The Blade of Galadriel, who seems to be both better armored than
Lithariel and also to have been issued an odd suit of scale armor that is very specifically molded around her breasts and her hips unprotected and on display. Though on the balance of things, and compared to the industry in general – it’s a tentative positive example.
She’s an assassin, and seems to fill a similar role to Morrigan in that she’s a dark, mysterious adviser figure who seems to be… let’s say morally flexible with her own agenda independent of the player.
(Unlike Lithariel she may also get to be a fully playable character, rather than an alternative model with the same voice and cutscenes… but only in DLC)
I don’t think this was the game content I was supposed to find horrifying.
– wincenworks
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There’s been some excitement over Valkyrie’s full armor for Thor Ragnarok… but frankly I’m disappointed for the most part.
Even Tessa’s Thompson’s badass attitude can’t fix the weirdness of this design. Top plate even has a literal hole between the breasts. It shows the layer of armor beneath instead of bare skin, but it’s still a weakening and blow-directing point on the chest. And even though relatively flat, the breastplate overall brings plenty of attention to the boobs with the shapes and colors (could it be any less subtle than painting the titties gold?).
And that’s a shame, because with a better chest piece (and without the wedgeheels) this could have been a cool, believable female warrior costume (even if more on the aesthetic than practical side).
Seems to me like boob ornamentation always gets in the way of Valkyrie looking truly great, no matter which iteration of the character it is.
~Ozzie
Is it just me or does she look like she’s a party member in Mass Effect? I mean…
She does not look like she belongs at all… Is she maybe Space Valkyrie from the Future??
Since people often ask “Alright, well this is fantasy! Why can’t we have boob shapes in plate armor?!” I decided to make a post about it. My frustration hasnothing to do with historical inaccuracy and I’m all for imagination and freedom— but I’d like to (very quickly) illustrate this for you:
I purposely over-emphasized the shape of the two spheres in the armor so you can really think about this.
Look at the shape of the blue cups and the green line, think about the form of that on some beautiful ornate plate armor. A female warrior is charging into battle. In the midst of this, she trips! Or is pushed over, or takes a blow to the chest! So long as the force is on the front of her torso it really doesn’t matter for the conclusion:
She feels a sharp pain in her chest and hears the cracking of bone! Oh no, what’s gone wrong? Well she doesn’t have time to think about that, because she is now dead.
Her sternum just fractured, take another look at that green line, that’s where all of the pressure from any front impact is going to go because of the shape of the two blue cups made for her breasts. The rest of the armor slides around your body, but because of the two cups for breasts that are often made in fantasy female armors, the pressure point is directly on the sternum. The breasts are not going to stop the force of you falling onto them, and because of that the metal is going to push in and bash you in the sternum.
What does a fractured sternum do? Why it goes right into your heart and lungs of course.
(that was the sound of all of my followers inhaling a sharp breath between closed teeth at once)
Here are three great solutions to the problem:
GREAT EXAMPLE OF FANTASY TORSO ARMOR THAT IS FEMININE BUT FUNCTIONAL:
It is usually possible to bind the breasts when fighting if they really are far too large to fit into regular looking armor (there’s padding anyway), but most women can actually fit into a similarly sized male counterpart’s armor quite easily. Even if that’s the case, the armor can be made to have a curve to it without putting all of the pressure in one area, which was actually a style of armor for quite some time as shown here:
And don’t even get me started on the dreaded “Cleavage Window”
The “Cleavage Window” defeats the purpose of having any armor on your torso because it means you’re just going to be leaving open the vital organs the rest of the armor is trying to protect.
If people are going to protect themselves and not have much torso protection, invest in some blocking lessons, because the best defense is to not get hit at all. There are also advantages to not having plate armor, and plate armor was often really expensive anyway.
I’d also like to add that boob bulges direct blows straight to the sternum as well, rather than making them glance to either side. Good post.
This week’s throwback: one of the very first posts I reblogged and a big inspiration for BABD even existing. It is THE Boobplate Post – one with the most comprehensive explanations why semi-spherical individual compartments for each boob in armor are an awful, awful idea.
