The hilarious front line in the tragic war against ridiculous female armor
Tag: bikini armor battle damage
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King’s Raid is a mobile game with good graphics and artwork, typically addicting gameplay through psychologically rewarding progression mechanics, and a fun, cooperative Raid gameplay mode.
In other words, a Skinner box game with Sexy Girls, got it. Could have just said that, it’s much shorter.
I got an ad for this game the other day, so I decided to check out the wiki for some Bingo material, and now I’m feeling really bad for the poor Bingo card. This one is literally the first character listed under their first category in the Heroes tab: Aselica the Knight (she’s a Tank, can’t you tell??). Here’s a better look at her “armor:”
Good Graphics and Artwork™, as advertised.
And of course, this is what her lesser version looks like:
Here’s my empowering warrior armor for Magic Meat March! Got it done just in time! I made the whole get-up out of leather, save for the shoes and the prop dagger. I just went to town this week with the strap cutter and the rivets.
It’s got a jointed spaulder for the shoulder, held in place by an asymmetric harness, zig-zagging down to a supple pouch to hold the necessaries comfortably in place. Onto this attaches a cuisse to guard the thigh.
Then there’s some accessory pieces: A thigh piece made of three panels laced together; an arm band with shearling trim for warmth; and a corset-like bracer to protect the wrist and forearm. Oh, and there’s that mass of straps for the left arm. I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to be for.
If I’d had a bit more time I was planning on adding more fur trim to the other pieces, but since it’s spring time now I don’t think that’s necessary. Wouldn’t want to overheat, after all. That extra padding would just get in the way during a battle anyway.
Now that is some fine craftsmanship and pure real-life male empowerment!
Not only that, the design is so on-point! Love how the straps zig-zag across the model’s torso, with pauldron and codpiece/thong as the pivotal leverage points.
Thank you, @armoreddragon, for joining the ranks of confident men ready to show us what real armor equality looks like!
Time to bring back this awesome article, its amusingly ignorant backlash and A+
responses
to detractors from @garrettauthor (the OP), as the saga of snark continues… This time against some dude who “doesn’t care” about sexuality of fantasy book characters. Who indeed cares so little that he needs to openly inform a publisher how they shouldn’t advertise their books for having LGBTQ+ themes.
[more context and excepts from that Facebook thread under this link]
Also, if you’re interested in getting the first novel in Garret Robinson’s Underrealm series as a free e-book, here’s the link!
Coincidentally, less than a month after where we get a God of War game where Kratos acts like a character with feelings instead of a screaming murder machine… a trailer goes live (and then is taken down) for Taki and… they’ve managed to actually make it worse.
Of all the options to expand her outfit… they chose to add some sort of weird fetish mask that looks like someone designed a classic Hannibal hockey mask but for a sex doll.
(Hey you, the one typing up the explanation for the mask: no, it looks exactly nothing like a traditional samurai mask)
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Rainbow Mika and the draftiest of wrestler outfits!
Another redesign I did solo was Street Fighter’s Rainbow Mika, a “wrestling” costume made approximately 80% out of holes.
Biggest challenge was figuring out how the hell those breasts are supposed to look when actually contained by fabric – nothing about how they interacted with it in the original made any sort of sense, so the chest area got basically repainted from scratch, with an attempt to recreate white pattern concealed under the balloon boobs as a sort of chest emblem shape.
While there’s nothing wrong with the costume having some tasteful cutouts, the original’s were so awkwardly placed, massive and physics-defying that I decided it was easier to change them to white fabric, while leaving in some smaller holes oh her shoulders and elbows. I’d probably leave something on her legs, if the image shown Mika from another angle.
A small, but significant touch was making the shapes on her sides rounder, so they’re not pointing at her crotch anymore. Also got rid of the pantyline frills, which made her look as if fancy lingerie was peaking from beneath her leotard. Left the frills on her collar and wrists be. Also didn’t do anything to the boots, as they’re perfectly nice and likely the only legitimate wrestling element in her original attire.
Final touches was giving Rainbow more secure hairstyle for a fighter (while stylized Sailor Moon-like hair isn’t much of an issue to me, it just didn’t match the more practical costume anymore) and a knocked-out tooth, to communicate the inherent danger of being a wrestler/fighting game heroine. Also, sometime after finishing the stream, I made her facial features slightly bit less generically pretty, following many watchers’ advice.
Surprisingly enough, criticizing R. Mika is one of the most “controversial” things we ever did on this blog. To this day, our bingo of her outfit from Street Fighter V tends to periodically resurface among the Status Quo Warriors enraged at us for talking smack about that costume. Their “arguments”?
1. This is totally very legitimate female professional wrestler outfit! OF COURSE that’s exactly how women in that field of sport and entertainment dress, just look:
True, those wrestlers, due to double standards imposed by the industry, tend to show off their cleavages and bellies… which sooo definitely is the same as a video game character’s suit denying all laws of physics and geometry for the sake of showing maximum flesh surface! </sarcasm>
According to them, occasional low-cut v-neck or belly window = giant hole where the back, each breast, thigh and buttcheek is.
Her legs must hurt… Olivia is pretty fun but I never understood why they made her use a sword when she had these cool rings. Like… that’s not less believable that chrom using his dumbass swords that he keeps sticking into the ground all the fucking time.
I think that fixing a plate armor design is fairly straight-forward in what needs to fixed: put a functional breastplate on the tiddy, add protection to some vital areas that got missed, and add some fabric in-between to pad the armor. I find it harder to fix armor for characters who don’t really wear it. This redesign did that wonderfully. It’s just so darn beautiful!
In Fire Emblem Awakening, Olivia starts out as a Dancer class, and boy do her dancing animations with that original getup look like absolute crap. But I would loooove to see the redesign in motion! There’s so much more potential for interesting movements with all that flowing fabric. I also never noticed Olivia even had a jingly belt until I saw the redesign, and then looked back at the original. That’s how you know you have a Quality Character Design™.
I love the subtle touch of the seam lines going down her legs, which lets us know that even underneath the transparent fabric, she is wearing opaque tights. It really is the little things.
I definitely look forward to featuring more of this artist’s redesigns on the blog. <Sequel Hook>
-Icy
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Time to come back to Sideshow Toys and probably their best example yet of how much amazing craftsmanship (that sculpt! the intricate paint job! the fabric and synthetic leather details!) can be wasted on super garbage design. This time, a classic garbage that is Red Sonja in her standard scalemailbikini.
How do the mail bra and loincloth even hold up with such flimsy straps? What is the point of protecting your neck with metal collar when your heart, guts and skull are all totally exposed? Why worry about reasonably padding your leg and arm protection, but wear a scalemail bra (that will sand your nipples off) directly on your skin?
“Looks nothing like male equivalent” checked, of course, because of Conan. Not crossing out “High heels” square, since that (cw: gore) is a reasonable heel size for a horse riding and wouldn’t be out of ordinary for a male character either.
Also note how all those arrows that apparently completely missed Sonja, presumably due to her “costume” being more of a plot armor than anything else. Reminds me of those couple “bikini armor makes you completely resistant to arrows” parodieswe featured before:
Viking: Battle for Asgard is kind of amazing in that not only does have the promise of this – but if the steam page is to be believed the developers are still, to this day, convinced this is a great adaption of Norse myth and history.
Unsurprisingly, the studio decided this was probably not the direction they wanted to go long term and went back to making their regular games… until they got a license for an certain othertotally creative property.
